RE: whatever ;)

Whatever makes me happy kan?

Ok la, since aku salu letak invisible everytime aku on9 YM ni, tetibe sorang hamba Allah ni letak status blog baru dia. Owh, aku baru tau dia tukar wordpress nowadays. Selama ni bila aku invisible, aku malas amek port. Tak amek tau. Tup-tup one fine day January ni aku terasa gatal jari nak click je status dia. Baca punya baca (haha..giler obvious), accidentally aku terbaca satu post dia bertajuk 'aku mmg tak ramai kawan pon' bertarikh 9 Disember, tarikh yang sama ngan satu post aku bertajuk 'gift of friends'. Laa... hang baca blog aku jugak rupenyer?? Ingatkan tak... Hehe :) Thank you for dropping by (buat nada sarcastic pada dia).

Ntah, lepas aku baca post dia tu, memula rasa macam nak buat blog war pon ada (hehe...since dia kata 'i'm neither mad or shock that she keep doing this. its typical. just plain typical...') Pastu selang beberapa beberapa minit aku rasa macam poyo-poyo pon ada. Selang beberapa jam aku rasa macam takde perasaan. Selang beberapa hari aku rasa... well, aku rasa... ape yang aku rasa? Nothing kot. Mostly kesian. Sebab aku rasa dia sendiri tak terpikir sesuatu bila dia tulis macam tu.

First of all, if u read this --> Sorry if my posts keeps you feeling weary. I dun want to trigger ur anger; just a mental note to myself, not to be like you. Sorry from my bottom of my heart if you feels like I'd treated you as a replacement of my then and now BFF for as long as as we've been friends <--

Thanks for reminding me that 'you came after me. after u had problems with your then and now BFF. and suddenly, im your BFF. on what basis? because its convenient? because you needed a replacement?' FYI cik W (there's no point for saying 'bukan nama sebenar' kan?), kita berkawan sebelum aku gaduh ngan Ana lagi. Jadi rapat masa kita Form 5 (ko ingat lagi tak kita sekolah mana?? Nak aku ingatkan?). Aku gaduh ngan Ana pon lepas SPM. Don't you remember? Kita berjalan sama-sama balik umah lepas turun dari bas 172, benti makan ais kacang Tj belanja, makan aiskrim balik dari tuisyen, ponteng kelas tuisyen sama-sama. Ana langsung tak termasuk dalam list masa kita buat aktiviti tu sama-sama. Kita-kita je termasuk YesO ngan Tj. Did you forgot already? Owh, lupa. Ko kata ko ada short term memory lost eh? Memang kesian. Let us walk down the memory lane, shall we?

Aku tak pernah rasa ko ni replacement Ana pon masa tu. You are what you are and I never see you as her replacement. And I dun need one, in any basis. Kalo ko maksudkan yang ko ni sebagai replacement sebab dulu Ana BFF aku, pastu bila kitorang ada krisis and kitorang renggang dan ko jadi BFF aku, then salah la. If then and that, we are everybody's replacement. Aku rapat ngan ko sebelum aku ngan Ana ada krisis lagi. And FYI too, sekarang ni aku ngan Ana; we even laugh at what happened dulu tau. Zaman remaja, hormon lintang pukang lagi masa tu. Now, everyone pon dah besar panjang, dah boleh berfikir logik; dah tak pandang sume benda-benda lama tu sebagai penghalang nak berkawan semula. Yang penting, masing-masing cuba maaf bermaafan; let bygones, be bygones... Aku tak pernah stopkan diri aku untuk meminta maaf dan memaafkan orang lain. Cerita lama, serita lama la. Buat ape nak pendam dendam lelama.

Then, it strike me again when you said 'since you said im the BFF, so, i thought, ok...lets just be...' Kiranya selama ni ko sendiri tak pernah terpikir kita ni kawan rapat kan? For you, it was... CONVINIENT AT THAT TIME, shall you say? Because I needed a replacement for Ana? Helloooo~ Kesian la ko ni. Kesian jugak kat aku ni sebab ko terima aku, tak seikhlas seperti yang aku sangkakan. Itu interpretasi aku. Aduyaiii~

'...at certain time, i think that u never really knew the real me. its frustrating sometimes..trying to tell you my problems when you just completely brush me off like that..and, what, i thought dats the least thing BFF could do. they listen. i guess my problems was so troublesome that you couldn't even pretend that you want to listen in the first place...' how could you simply said, that i'm not even tried to listen? Ko ingat tak, ko pernah cakap kat aku dulu yang 'kawan ni hanya cakap benda yang kita NAK dengar, bukan yang kita PERLU dengar'. So, ape ko rasa kalo aku cakap macam tu kat ko? Ape maksud ko bila ko kata '... its frustrating sometimes..trying to tell you my problems when you just completely brush me off like that...'? That I never give my thoughts on ur matter, on ur problems then? Once bila ko letakkan pangkat kawan tu macam tak penting; dalam kepala otak aku dah set, yang aku hanya perlu dengar je problem ko sebab ape saja pendapat aku, ko takkan pernah terima. Maaf la kalo ko terasa ngan tindakan aku tu. Tapi bagi aku, silap bila ko cakap macam tu. Memang la taraf kawan ni lagi rendah dari parents kita, but at least they tried to help by giving you an advices walaupun kadang-kadang nasihat tu lebih kepada nak sedapkan hati kita dan mempositifkan keadaan, but it gives you hope kan?

'thats when i thought...hurm...who am i anyway.. whenever there's hangout between the girls, im the last person people had in mind to invite. and sometimes i think, i was invited because i was your friend. not because i was a friend. i always, always, always felt left out. nobody really cares about it. i dun really care about it, until all of this happen to me. i finally realize who i am. im just a friend of a friend. simply put...a nobody..' Bila ko kata macam tu, ko dah silap satu benda. U are invited not because u are my friend, but because u are OUR friend. Lain la kalo aku ajak ko hangout ngan kawan-kawan UKM aku, kawan-kawan UiTM aku. Itu kalo ko nak cakap macamtu aku tak kisah. Tapi aku tau ko maksudkan siapa. Bila nak hangout, salu je dorang tanya Cik W join tak, how about Yeso, Tj, Siti Liyana, Atiqah semua? Haven't you noticed that, they are ONCE ur classmates and schoolmates?? Nobody left you out. But you, yourself never tried to act like you are classmates, or schoolmates with any of them. And you, yourself yang terasa terlebih-lebih. You, yourself act like you are some random strangers hangout ngan kami ni. So, salah siapa ni? It sounded like you're the one who never make an effort to mingle with them, to mingle with us. I didn't ask you to be nobody; i want you to be you, I always will because you are somebody to me. You USED to.

'i consider you as a friend. after what i did, i still do consider you as a friend. i couldn't bring myself to say sorry because you said you never want to have anything to do with me anymore...' Ahhaaaaa... aku suke yang nih. Ko tak boleh nak say sorry for the last 6 months before aku tulis entry aku yang nih? Sebelum aku baca entry ko yang ko kata 'the last time i opened up to a friend, she turn her back on me?'

Kita mula konon-kononnya krisis bulan 8/2008. Masa tu nak puasa. Aku tulis surat kat ko since ko yang start masam muka ngan aku before aku kuar dari rumah sewa tu. Aku ingat isi surat aku tu. Aku tulis, aku lebih rela hilang housemate dari aku hilang bestfriend. Aku mengharap yang kita akan bercakap semula kalo aku dah kuar dari rumah tu because, i want my bestfriend back! Mungkin keadaan akan jadi normal kalo kita tak jadi housemate, balik kepada keadaan asal. Ye la, it's true when people said, bestfriend yang baik tak semestinya boleh menjadi housemate yang baik jugak. So, harapan aku tinggal harapan bila tunggu punya tunggu, 6 bulan berlalu, still no nothing from you sampai la aku terbaca blog ko tu. It hurts when u put it that way. It's still hurts, up until now you know? Tapi aku buat tak reti. Is it that hard just to call me and simply said 'hi', or even text me on the phone? Aku tunggu ko datang masa aku buat open house raya 2008. Aku tunggu ko 6 bulan. There's no one replacing your place. Selama 6 bulan tu, hati aku tetap swuh aku tunggu ko, maybe and just maybe then everything will turns out ok. Tapi, bila aku baca entry ko yang tu... hati aku remuk tau tak?? How can you even said that? I never turn my back on you. Not a slightest idea on my mind to hurt you.

Sia-sia aku tunggu ko 6 bulan (sampai masuk tahun baru, tahun 2009); sedangkan ko buat assumption macam tu bulan 12/2008 (kalo tak silap aku). I was late. I guessed I never am a good friend kan, or I never good enough to be ur friend? Tak macam kawan-kawan 'lama' ko tu. Biar aku mengalah. Ko nak bertepuk tangan pas ko baca ni pon, u are most welcome.

'if someone betrays once, it is his fault; if he betrays you twice, it is YOUR fault'

Ko pnah dengar tak pepatah tu? Ko pnah cuba tak evaluate diri ko kenapa sampai banyak kali kawan-kawan ko buat sesuatu pada ko? Ingat roomates matriks ko? Ingat roomate kat UKM? Cuba la evaluate. Some things happened for a reason. You said u never dissed ur friend kan? Think that again. Forget about me, just think for your future. Kawan-kawan 'lama' ko yang ko jumpa semula tu... cuba jangan buat macam ape yang ko buat pada aku. Dorang tak pnah jadi roomates ko, tak pnah jadi housemates ko, boleh la ko kata ko ok ngan dorang. But I do hope korang ni ok-ok...

Antara ramai-ramai kawan rapat aku, or should i say, BFF aku, hati ko lah satu-satunya yang paling aku cuba jaga. Ada orang pnah cakap yang aku ni macam mentatang ko bagai minyak yang penuh tau. Tapi dalam ramai-ramai BFF aku, ko lah yang paling tak cuba jaga hati aku semula. I guessed u never knew that kan? It frustrating sometimes, yeah... tapi aku tak amek kisah. Aku cuba lembutkan hati aku semula after all what you've done. But, the last will always be the last. Takpe, i'm outta ur life; i mean, for good kan? ko pun makin hepi sekarang (from what i've read). There's no point of blaming it on u anymore.

Entahlah... some people kan?

p/s: So, all in all, yeah, maybe i wouldn't know how you felt because i'm not in your shoes. My advice to you, cuba untuk tidak jadi ego kalau pun ko tau ko betul dalam satu-satu hal tu. Tak salah untuk meminta maaf sebab kita ni pun bukannya sentiasa betul along the way...

Despite all ur hatred for becoming a replacement, truthfully said, we are somewhat a replacement, whether you like it or not, whether you knew it or not. Someday, somehow...

You can be somebody, i know you can. But, by being somebody, it's just... being yourself.

Dah la, aku dah penat ngan orang yang penuh ego macam ko ni. Aku harap ko berbahagia di samping kawan-kawan lama ko. Baik aku mengalah sebab aku tau ko jenis yang takkan mengalah. In any condition pun. Have fun in ur life, semoga cita-cita ko tercapai dan semoga ego ko dapat dikurangkan sket bermula tahun ni. Perempuan ni bila ego tinggi menggunung sangat, buruk ghupenye tau :) Janganlah ko buat kawan-kawan ko macam ape yang buat kat aku dulu. I do hope that. Sounds like ur old friend bukan jenis macam kami ni. Jaga diri leklok (I know u will) dan jaga persahabatan yang lama tu selagi ko termampu.