penat bila sedih, sedih bila penat~

First of all, sorry ini bukan entry pasal baby-bum. Dan diingatkan, entry ini SANGAT2 PANJANG...tok sah la baca nanti pening kepala. Hanya luahan perasaan semata2 =(

It's about me yang sekarang ni memang super duper sensitif. Air mata murah sangat sampaikan mudah nak menitiskan air mata untuk benda2 kecik...*ewahhh...* ok, sedih semula.

Last night, my hubby balik bawak berita sedih. He's been transfer to Tanjung Pengelih, Johor. Tau kat mana tempat tu? It's near Kota Tinggi and near Johor coastal area. Pangkalan Navy kan, of course la tepi pantai, tepi laut. I've been waiting for this day to come when will he be announcing the news since this 2011 is his 3rd year of working at the army base in KL. Knowing that navy memang paling lama akan berada disesuatu markas hanya antara 3-5 tahun je, so I think that maybe the transfer-thingy is not such a big deal for me. Ye la, konon2 dah prepare kan diri sendiri untuk keadaan tu berlaku even sebelum kawen lagi.

BUT... *and there will always be buts*... seriously, it wasn't anything like I imagine. I couldn't face the fact that I will be leaving my family behind. I know, I know my encik hubby is my family now...BUT, with my family the one who raised me...I never parted with them that far tau. Even masa belajar kat Matriks Tangkak. We were from Muar. So, basically my hometown dengan matriks tu is like 20 kilometres away. My parents usually akan balik kampung every weekend and they'll take me balik kampung too. And then came UiTM. Masa tu belajar kat kampus Shah Alam saje. And my parents is living in Ampang. It was only one hour away. My father even bought me a car so that I can drive back to my home sweet home every weekend, if not possible for everyday basis sebab jadual kelas yang padat. And then came UKM life... tu pun kat kampus Bangi. Only 45 minutes away from home. Everyweek pon memang muka kaki balik rumah. So, can you imagine that I will be leaving for almost 6 hours away from my parents? I couldn't imagine it. La ni duk kat kuarters Navy kat AU3 pon, nak kata sehari mesti akan balik rumah parents dari pagi sampai petang kat situ and balik rumah sendiri bila encik hubby balik keje.

I still couldn't absorb the news up until today. Hari ni saje dah 3-4x nangis. It happened just like that. Kalo dok sensorang, tetibe senang sangat nak nangis. Bila encik hubby mintak share kenapa nangis, I couldn't put it into words. Bila dia tanya kenapa, trus air mata nak meluncur laju keluar. Blame it on pregnancy hormones all I can because I am not such a baby before. Hati aku ni keras tau tak. Susah nak nangis kecuali ianya melibatkan my family and to be exact, yang melibatkan my mom. Itu sungguh touchy. No one can touch my mom's heart. Sape buat Ibu saya sedih, konpem dia jugak merupakan musuh saya. Ok, lari tajuk jap..sorry :(

There are things that makes me super sad about this transfer-thingy. Not just because of the above reason. Those are unacceptable reason I should say sebab, everyone knows that wife place is beside her husband *melainkan anda terpaksa jadi weekend wifey/ hubby atas sebab2 tertentu dan tak dielakkan* So, reason kat atas tu letak tepi dulu :(

So, why?

Because 1st, I am pregnant. Transfer tu tak dapek nak dipending untuk 3 bulan jadinya, 25 April it is. As to what encik hubby said this evening, dia mintak pending seminggu untuk pindah. So, 28hb maybe pindah bwk brg2 segala ke Johor, and May 1st dia akan lapor diri.

Owh, berbalik kepada reason yg atas ni, pregnant memang la pregnant. Malam lepas dapat tau transfer ke mana tu, trus google kat mana hospital terdekat ngan kem. Paling dekat Hospital Kota Tinggi. Dalam google nampak macam jauh. So, still tak tau jarak sebenar. Abah kata kat dalam kem ada hospital tentera but I dunno. Encik hubby kata ada klinik. Aiyooo...mana bleh beranak kat klinik kot??!!

The truth is, I still don't know whether I am going to normally deliver the baby atau c-sect *since my mom 3-3 anak dia memang c-sect sebab tulang punggung kecik. mana tau aku terikut mak aku kan? Punggung besar tak menjamin tulang punggung besar gak. Mana tau lemak je lebih? huuuu...*. Kalo c-sect, dah tau dah time untuk deliver which is always 2 weeks early from the EDD given. So, boleh ke hospital awal2, prepare untuk delivery. Ni, kalo normal, you will never know when is the time. Tak semestinya ikut EDD yang dah diberi masa awal2 bukak buku merah tu. It's whether earlier than the EDD given atau lambat dari tarikh. Macam my SIL, EDD dia supposedly 101010 ritu, tapi lewat seminggu dari EDD. Ended up seminggu yang lewat tu hari2 pegi hospital nak check. Dahla hospital jauh dari rumah :( Bukan menyusahkan keadaan, tapi risau masa ondaway ke hospital tu ada komplikasi ke ape ke... who knows kan? *Cuma mengharapkan yang terbaik saje, InsyaAllah, Amin~*

2nd reason: Encik hubby kata, kalo susah sangat, seminggu sebelum EDD aku tu dia akan hantar aku balik KL. Senang supaya dekat ngan hospital and lagipon parents aku ada depan mata.

And after dia hantar aku? Dia konpem kena balik Johor. Tak boleh nak cuti lama2 sebab dia pon baru je transfer situ *3 months time is still quite new la jugak since tak boleh nak agak orang2 atasan macam mana, lagipon kat pangkalan navy ni tak sama pentadbirannya macam kat pangkalan encik hubby sekarang yang boleh teman isteri pi checkup every month*. Tak boleh nak mintak cuti ihsan isteri bersalin awal2 since aku ni pon tak konpem bila nak melahirkan baby dalam perut ni. Kalo dalam masa 2 minggu yang dia cuti hantar aku balik KL tu aku masih belum bersalin, kan dah sia2 cuti dia. And misal kata pas je dia hantar aku balik KL, dia balik Johor and tup tup aku bersalin ikut EDD, tak ke masa tu encik hubby is 300++ kilometres away from me? He won't turn up next to me in a blink of an eye, kan? Konpem2 la, paling lewat the next day baru dia dapat balik KL dengan nak uruskan cuti segala =( And of course la I want my encik hubby masa aku nak bersalin tu...wuwuwuw...

Reason no.2 ni la yang buatkan aku sebak dari semalam sebenarnya. My tears won't stop coming. Stok air mata punya la banyak tau!

Encik hubby bagi alternatif lain plak. Dia kata aku bersalin kat Johor, after kuar hospital, dia hantar balik KL. Hurmmm...encik hubby tau tak, the first week tu sangat2 crucial ok untuk ibu yang baru bersalin ni? And misal kata nak lepaskan 2 minggu after bersalin tu duduk Johor dulu, we'll be staying kat dalam pangkalan. Nak panggil confinement lady datang tiap2 hari pon macam agak susah untuk CL nak masuk pangkalan kot?? Orang luar ye kawan2... kena tinggal IC segala kat pos pengawal tu. Kalo dok luar senang tapi memandangkan kuarters banyak kosong, jadinya, pihak navy tak bagi dok luar ;(

Next alternative plak >> encik hubby nak mintak tolong mak dia datang Johor jagakan aku. Like, HELLO.... tak mau ok? I still want my own mom. Tak sama mak mertua jaga kita macam mak kita sendiri yang jaga kita tau. But, my mom konpem tak boleh nak turun Johor time tu sebab masih musim sekolah. I have a lil sister yang masih bersekolah form 1. Time2 puasa plak tu, sape nak masakkan sahur untuk dia lagi kalo bukan my mom kan? lagipon, mak encik hubby jaga anak my SIL yang baru 5 months old this time around *8 bulan la masa time aku bersalin tu* So...

See, my mind have been a messed this couple of days. I couldn't sleep at all. Otak tak boleh nak shutdown. Tido pon tido2 ayam. Asyik bangun je kejenye bila asyik pikir pasal semua ni.



p/s: Feels tired and weak at the same time. I wish for more alternatives for both of us so that takde la pening kepala sangat and berterusan sedih2 cenggini :'(